Heyyy Class of 2029, My name is Wary Dude, Class of 2029, and I’m running for Class of 2029 Class President!

some stuff about Me: I’m deeply passionate about leadership, and I’ve truly learned a lot in My many years. In middle school, I was captain of my school’s DECA and Debate teams (go lions!). In high school, I was fairly and democratically elected as class president five years in a row. I’ve also been governor, assistant regional governor, assistant to the regional governor, lieutenant governor, captain governor, governor governor, president governor, director governor, governor director, governor dictator, and assistant director of the captain governor dictator in a multitude of regions and organizations (often simultaneously!)

some more stuff about Me: since 2017, I’ve worked hard to increase the currency available to Venezuelan citizens by over one trillion times; I most recently served as Concertmaster of the North Korea State Youth Orchestra for the Enrichment and Education of the Masses for Freedom and Self-Empowerment. Unlike many of you, I was employed, and I’ll be happy to provide mentorship to the student body as part of my presidential duty. I was Senior Lead Engineer at Amazon Web Services from 3PM 11/11/2022 to 8AM 10/20/2025.

While the Class of 2029 Class President struts and frets upon a much smaller stage, MIT nonetheless holds a special place in my heart. I’ve unilaterally decided to make this school a More better Institute of Technology; here’s how:

• I’ll re-legalize naval attacks on Harvard from the Charles River
• To protect your mental health and discourage perfectionism, I’ll cap all GPAs at 4.97
• I’ll talk to Ericsson, Ashlyn, Hadeel, Ike, James, Kirolls, Megan, Rohan, Sally Kornbluth, Pavel Etingof, Bob Ross, and Elon Musk about what they can for MIT students’ struggles
• I’ll make dorm wall art rules so obfuscated that no one can be punished for it
• I’ll return your refrigerator, sorry about taking it last week
• I’ll rename New Vassar back to West Garage, and rename East Campus to Main Garage.
• I’ll make meal swipes allocated efficiently through a Vickrey-Clark-Groves auction mechanism
• I’ll issue a moratorium on all tshirts with quant company logos. Please do not walk around half-naked though. unless you’re actually hot
• I’ll censor any mention of “crashing” or “out”, and also foreseeably words such as collision, not, decrashing, car, and vroom, to promote positive and collaborative mindsets among us students
• Absolutely — here’s a rephrased version of your campaign promises that feels more personal, student-written, and grounded in the MIT experience, while keeping the tone balanced between fun and serious.
• To make building numbers more intuitive, I’ll renumber every building based on their euclidean distance from building 1.
• I will reimprove all the course 6 numbers
• I will make sure every student is seen and heard. Starting from this moment. I’m watching you. Don’t you dare not vote for me. I will know. Cheers!
• I will paint the green building green, anyone else find that so misleading smh
• In order to support our mission, I’m adding a tariff on all clubs, who must pay 55% of their revenue to the WTF (Wary-dude Trust Fund) biannually. Don’t worry, the clubs are paying for it, not the students!

We’ll have a representative at the event today at 6:15PM in 2-105. They think they’re campaigning for themselves, but they’re actually a sleeper agent for us. Feel free to wake them with their trigger word and then ask them anything!

Be wary of all other candidates. I’m your dude.

Appreciate your support in advance!

Wary “write in” Dude

Sent by the head executive assistant to the regional director of Carrier Pigeons, LTD.
Sent
Scent from the eecs undergrad lounge
Sent from the blank line on your ballot that shouldn’t remain blank

bcc’ed to dorms, naval-bombardment-crimson for bc-talk